This is a follow-up to the last post. As Little Man played around with standing in the door frame without hands, he figured out that he could also crawl up the frame to the very top of the door. He can now scamper up the entire door frame quickly and does so often. It is amazing to watch his strength and motor planning while being very scary at the same time.
Here he is showing off his new trick:
Little Man has such a compassionate heart and is frequently thinking about children in Africa. He knows that there are children who have no toys, and this fact really bothers him.
The other day he found an empty box and asked if he could play with it. He then proceeded to fill the box with all of his trucks and cars so he could 'mail them to kids in Africa'. He was fully ready to put his box, filled to the brim with his favorites toys, in the mail to give to children in Africa so they had toys too.
My little worldchanger in action:
Generous hands and a generous heart
Filled to capacity:
Packaged, labeled, and ready to ship:
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~Anne Fr@nk
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. ~Dr. Seu$$
Why is it that when describing someone, we choose the color of their skin first? Why is that SO important?
Yes, people, my son is 'black'. But really, he's not. His complexion is the most beautiful, creamy mocha. But the obvious fact is that we are not the same color. Another fact is that I do not care in the least. He is 100% my son. When I go to school to pick him up, I look for my son. I don't look for the 'black kid'.
I love that he is Ethiopian. I love everything about him. We celebrate his birthland and his heritage. He spends time with children and people who look like him as well as people who are of other ethnicities. I don't define him based on his skin color, because he is SO much more than his absolutely beautiful skin.
There are times when my child is the only African in a group. I hope I can raise him to be confident and proud about that fact. I hope I can teach him that he is unique and special and albeit different sometimes...JUST as important as everyone else.
At a recent function, Little Man was the only person of color. An adult was rounding kids up, and announced loudly "Where's the black kid?". Ok, I get that you forgot his name. I get that you're old. But there are so many other descriptors you could have used: Where's the wild kid? Where's the cute kid? Where's the kid in the pink shirt? Where's Eric's nephew? Where's Daphne's son? Where's the boy missing a tooth? Where's the boy with the short hair? I could go on and on. However, none of that mattered because it was easier to yell "Where's the black kid?"
Luckily, my son did not hear it. Honestly, I was so shocked and angry that I was rendered speechless (I really need to work on getting my emotions under control so I can deal with these situations in a way I can teach my son to do so). Thankfully, my dad and brother immediately went up to this person to let them know that that was not appropriate. Other people, however, acted like it wasn't a big deal and asked: So what? It's as if asking where's the girl in the pink dress.
It's nothing like that and it's not ok. My son doesn't get it right now, so are we supposed to act like this is a normal, acceptable thing? How about 5 years from now when Little Man is 9 and fully understands the question being asked and is made to feel singled out, or embarrassed, or sad, or alienated?
I know this is what we will face from here on out. I know I cannot change the fact that people will identify him by his skin color. There are people who are still to this day raised to believe skin color means a person is less of a person. We live in Alabam@. R@cism is not dead, and archaic beliefs are not dead. My son is from Africa. We are different in appearance. He is what people here consider 'black'. I cannot change that fact that he will be judged based on his skin. I wish I could. It breaks my heart when I think of the hurt feelings in store for him, and I wish I could protect him.
My hope for him is that people will see him for who he is. I pray people will see his playful spirit, his love for life, his social prowess, his sense of humor, his amazing intellect, his compassionate heart. I pray that he isn't always going to be just 'the black kid'.
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." M@rtin Luther King, Jr.
Though Little Man has been testing boundaries behavior wise, he continues to be the sweetest, most compassionate little boy. He is not afraid to express his emotions and is uber affectionate.
He openly and proudly tells his family and friends that he loves them, and when he tells you, you know he means it with all of his heart. He is quick to give hugs (especially to unsuspecting little girls).
I know there will be a day when he's too big or too cool to snuggle or kiss his mommy. So for now, when he calls me from his room at night saying "Mommy, I want snuggles!", I jump at the chance.
When I take him in to school, he expects and wants a good-bye kiss. The other day I took him into his classroom, gave him his kiss, and was preparing to leave when he nestled in close to me and starting whispering. It took me a minute to understand his little whisper which was "Mommy, can I rub it in so it won't dry off?" He didn't want for my kiss to dry up during the day, so he wanted permission to rub it in. Oh how this boy owns and melts my heart!
He is pure sweetness!
Here is my sweetness in pictures taken by Allison Lewis Photography for an adoption calendar:
Little Man and I talk a lot about how we are different but the same. We talk about all of the things we both have that are the same (hands, face, heart, etc), and we talk about how it's ok to be different from each other, from other families, from our friends, etc. I found this great example using eggs to help show him how things can be different on the outside while still being the same on the inside.
Little Man checking out the eggs and noticing that they are both eggs but are a little different:
After cracking the eggs:
Different on the outside, but the same on the inside.
Our lesson:
After this lesson, Little Man was literally beaming. I think this made more sense to him than all of our talks and books. By cracking the eggs and finding them the same inside, I think he really put it together and it filled his little soul with joy.
This is what currently lives on my night stand. These are the books I am reading in an attempt to be a better parent and to control my child.
Parenting is the hardest thing I have EVER endeavored! It is easy to be a 'parent' to someone else's child. It's easy to think up solutions to problem behaviors, etc. It's easy when you are NOT mired down in the day to day drama of that particular child. When it's your own child, however, solutions are harder to come by, clarity is harder to attain, emotions run amuck, and your confidence level is rock bottom.
I am raising a boy who will become a man. I certainly don't want to screw this up or worse screw him up!
I'll be honest and say that we are once again in a difficult patch behavior wise. Little Man is so hard to parent when you combine the fact that he is adopted, gifted, strong willed, and manipulating/charming. I have yet to find the balance between the previous characteristics. When I think I have the perfect solution to the problem, my 4 year old out smarts me.
We go back and forth between discipline strategies because their effectiveness is constantly changing. I am reading books regarding all of his traits, and they each contradict the other. Techniques you use for the strong willed child are not recommended for the adopted child. Parenting the gifted child is done more cerebrally than how you would parent the strong willed child. Easily put...there is no manual for my son.
He is an individual, and I love that about him. I want for him to grow into a boy/man who is strong but not a bully, who is compassionate but not a cry-baby, who is obedient but not a push-over, who is a leader but not overly bossy, who is an athlete but not a show-off, who has good self-esteem but is humble. The list goes on and on. There are days when these goals feels unattainable. There are days when I am completely defeated and left feeling like a huge failure.
Sometimes I leave playdates feeling embarrassed and like a complete failure as a parent. There are, however, other times when I leave playdates bursting with pride (Really wish this was more often).
I am doing this alone (yes, I chose to do so and don't regret it). That being said, going it alone is hard. I don't have someone to step in when I've had it. I don't get a break on days when behavior is off the chain. I don't always want to be disciplining my child. I don't have someone saying I'm doing a horrendous job or a good job. All this boils down to is that I am constantly second guessing myself. I'm constantly wondering if I'm messing him up.
For now, I will continue to read these books and hope the tips stick with me when I really need them. I will continue to work with my 4 year old on playing nicely with his friends, obeying his mommy/teachers/adults, being respectful, and making good choices with his actions and his words.
I can only pray and hope that in the end this boy, whom I love unequivocally, will grow into the man I know he can be and that he is happy and proud of his mother.
